They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
