babies were throwing up all over the place
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
