I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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