Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
