my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
