she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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