I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
