my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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