He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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