i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize