Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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