just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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