Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
