I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
