Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
