My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
