Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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