An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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