Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
