cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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