somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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