I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
