Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
