"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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