My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
