I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
