I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Randomize
