i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
