Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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