so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize