The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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