i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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