The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
