I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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