i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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