There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
