I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
