how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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