"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
