Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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