I'm eating all of the evidence.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
