Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
