I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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