Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she peed on how many people?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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