I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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