tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize