i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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