I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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