my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
