I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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