I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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