Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize