the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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