You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
