Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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