mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
