I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
this hospital has no fireball
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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