Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
