i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
